Doors

It was 35 years ago this month that my mom handed me a box and told me to pack up my belongings. She then drove me several hours away to my grandmother’s house in another state. During the drive, she told me she was going to pretend as if I had never been born, to never contact her, or my younger siblings who still lived with her, ever again.

We pulled into my Grandma’s driveway, and, with the engine still idling, I opened the car door and got out. I said goodbye to my mom, who sat holding the steering wheel and staring straight ahead through the windshield. She did not speak a word to me. I took my box and closed the car door, and the door on a chapter of my life and a room in my heart.

Then I turned, and walked toward the house and the next door.

In the intervening years so much has changed, including me.

I have been hurt many times and I have hurt others, often those I loved the most.

I have gained a little wisdom from experience and a lot of wisdom from the Word of God.

I have long since forgiven my mom for childhood hurts she inflicted on me, but which I believe in her heart of hearts, she never intended to do.  I understand that my mom suffers from deep-seated mental illness, that Christ alone can deliver her from her demons, just as he delivers each of us from our own sin and shame. She has sought freedom in many wrong places instead of in genuine surrender to Jesus, the real lover of her soul. I pray for her salvation.

And though my heart is not hard, it is cautious. I do not want to walk back through that door and into the crazy fire that once scorched me. I am a 51-year-old little girl who is still afraid of her 74-year-old mother.

Perhaps one day God will lead me to reconcile with this poor, broken old woman who once loved me as best she knew how and was capable of, and who I once loved. Letting go, like forgiveness and healing is a process. Sometimes, it takes a lifetime.

While there have been many times when I felt alone and abandoned, I see now that never once did God leave me all alone. Whether I knew it at the time or not, he has always walked with me, held me and pursued me. I am thankful that God picked me up out of the muck and mire at an early age and set my feet on the Rock. He has been opening doors for me to walk through and closing others ever since. And he wants me to be a door, a conduit through which his love can pass to others and light their way.

“For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4: 6-9.

If a door in your life has slammed shut, turn toward God and ask him to lead you to the next one. Step into the light of grace. Yesterday’s a closing door; you don’t live there anymore. Tell your heart to beat again.

“You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again.”

– “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again,” by Danny Gokey

Advertisements

One thought on “Doors

  1. Your words as usual are heart warming and yet heart breaking at the same time. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. I don’t know if doors are closed, or if I’m just in a holding g pattern. But I do know my HOPE is in the LORD!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s